Is everybody so happy with mid-table obscurity that no-one needs to rant any more? Let me get you started:
Mmm..that's better - on a half day today, nice...
- Zayn bloody Malik leaving One Dire Erection because he wants to live life as a normal, everyday, 22 year-old, world famous, multi-millionaire. Yeah right, Zayn - gonna give away your dosh and start delivering pizzas then mate? Course you are...
- How do you decide which of the privileged nerds you'd like to run the country? Well, if the papers are anything to go by, you have to decide whose kitchen you like best. Cutting edge political reporting my ARSE! That's gonna engage people who are disillusioned with politics ain't it? And who's the breath of fresh air who's gonna transform British politics and break the mould of the upper-class elite party leaders? Nigel bloody Farage: Son of a Stockbroker, privately educated at Dulwich College, member of the Conservatives as a schoolboy, worked as a broker in the City. Well THAT'S a fresh fuppin' face if ever I saw one...
- Oh,and shall I take a bit of time out to relax on social media? What have my lovely chums posted on Facebook today? "I just won a melon and a donkey playing a kid's game on my phone" No, I DON'T want to play it! "Share this if you love puppies; if you don't share it it means you hate me and a puppy will die". Well, I AM starting to hate you and the puppy can take its chances. "My kids are Soooo cute!" No, they're not. They're ugly 'cos they take after you but I'll press "Like" 'cos I'd hate your tears to fuse that new phone you're so sodding proud of. "50 gurning photos of us in Sharm el Sheikh". I'm glad you had a nice holiday, but there's only so many pictures I can stand of you and your chums grinning over cocktails in your hermetically-sealed, air-conditioned, all-inclusive bubble in a land of religious and political turmoil while the locals work for a pittance and pi$$ in your soup.
- And don't get me STARTED on drag-along suitcases, Baby on Board signs, Ant and bloody Dec, The Daily Mail, Kanye West or any of the rest of life's little irritants. Bunch of energy-sapping, mood-darkening, off-fuppin' ARSE!!!
Mmm..that's better - on a half day today, nice...