My missus

MY MISSUS

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What
trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"


My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for
a pint of milk and never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he
said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'


The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
know, but she has a lovely personality"

No3

You're going to fit in just fine.

2 3

A few more to keep the ball rolling:



Iain speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.'
'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot!' Iain shouts. 'This is her husband speaking.'


Coming out of tesco's the other day with my mate there were six thugs trying to beat my wife up in the car park."arn't you going to help?" said my mate.
I replied."No,Six should be enough"


I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.


I got stopped by a woman touting in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."


As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy b*stard and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the rubbish out."


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


I've been dating a homeless woman recently and i think it's getting serious.
She's asked me to move out with her!


"My wife is really chatty. She can speak hours on end about any topic"
"Mine is worse, she doesn't even need a theme"


The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"


Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change?

keep them coming

got one via text today




'took the wife to the quacks to sort out her tourettes..
turns out she does not have it'
I AM a cnut and she does want me to fcuk off!'

I love this one ... then a few days rest!


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked, shaking his head sorely.
The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "No, no luv. It's like this. When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit kim again.
Wife replied.. "Your horse ... phoned"

My wife came up behind me the other day when I was on the computer and asked me what I was looking at?
I said "Flights", she whooped with joy and gave me a big kiss.
Funny really, I didn't think she liked Darts.



Someone asked me if I ever spoke to my wife when we were making love?
Only if she phones me I said!



A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.


A wife arrives home after a business trip and finds her husband in bed with a gorgeous girl. Just as the wife is about to storm out of the house, the husband says,
“Before you leave you should know exactly how this came about. This afternoon Julie here rang our doorbell and asked for clothing donations for a charity.
I gave her those shoes you no longer wear. I rummaged around and found that birthday sweater you hate and all the suits you claim don’t fit you anymore.
So I donated them too. Then she asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are.”

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really?

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied,

"My wife."