Fucking Skint

Bloke walks into a pub & asks for a pint of anything but stella!
Barman asks "whats wrong with stella?"
Bloke says "well i had 12 pints of stella last week when i got home i found myself fucking skint!"
Barman says "if you have 12 pints of any beer you`ll end up skint!"
Bloke says " skint is my dogs name!"!!..........

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that..?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over..?''

On April 24th, 2012, John Terry was sent off at Camp Nou. Nine months later, Shakira's son is born.