half past the week joke fred

I told my missus that i got a new job doing live sex on stage.
She said "are you having me on?"
I said "i'll speak to the boss but so far they've all been pretty, slim girls with decent tits"
------------------------------------------

My girlfriend asked me if i wanted to go Dutch on tonights meal...So i strangled her and stole her pizza.

--------------------------------------------

My daughter asked "I hope you are going to shave off that stupid moustache before we go on holiday? it's embarrasing."
I was stunned. Bravest thing i have ever heard said to the wife!
-------------------------------------------------------

Couple driving home and they run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold.
husband says "put it between your legs to warm it up"
wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks"

Husband replies "well hold the badgers finguck nose then!"