Christmas time

Kid knocks at Dalglish's door and starts to sing
'away in a manger
Kenny opens the dorr and says
"fcuk off lad, i have wasted enough money on carols this year"

I opened my first Christmas card yesterday, and it was full of rice!

From my uncle Ben...

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat twat with a beard gets all the credit!! 

Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

 

is it Christmas presents ... ?

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:
"Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for a Christmas dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him:
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says
"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!"


During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,the sister on his right and the mom facing him.  When the dad gets there,the boy lowers his head and starts praying:
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"

A minute later the boy is still praying:
"Thank you Lord for your kindness... and ..."

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others
look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.

She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear:
"I didn't know you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies :
"I didn't know ... ... ... your dad was a pharmacist"