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Monty Python's Flying Physio Room Part XXVI......
Friday 30 September……Chadwell Heath………11:27………Type of day global warming had promised for so long but failed to deliver……..Manuel Ammonia stepped from the fluorescent blue land rover, wearing black trousers, white jacket, black dickybow and tea towel over arm, a strange ensemble for such a fine day?
Allerdice had spotted him from a distance and bounded out to greet his emergency loan signing, “Ow doo lad, ya farnd uz OK?”…..Manuel’s vacant silence spoke volumes – “Que?”……Allerdice rolled his eyes “Ah sed did yee faarrnnnndd uuuuuuzzzz Oooowww Kaaayyyy?”………..”Que?”……..”Oh Songs of Praise gimme payshence, listen ‘ere lad, ah need yew t’be up ta speed on things rownd ‘ere”….Manuel rifled through his man bag resting under his armpit and fished out an English-Spanish conversion dictionary, in the process of doing this a copy of the football magazine 442 fell to the gravelled floor……Allerdice eyed this and his boiling anger began to rise, the veins in his temples began to swell and part his hair, “Dya think ya funnee lad iz thatit??” Allerdice boomed inches from Manuel’s face….”Eeh, farndus….. OK….farndus crispy pancakes……yes yes they OK thank you”…Manuel closed his book and put his hand out to thank Allerdice for the offer of such a meal……..Allerdice slapped it away, “Gerroutta mar way, gonna farnd owt what the ruddy ell’s goin on ‘ere coz sumwun’s laffin at me an arm not ‘avin it”.
Allerdice stomped back to his office leaving Manuel to be shepherded to the changing room by Wally…”I ‘ave the farndus crispy pancake now yeess?” quizzed Manuel of Wally….”No lad, no” replied Wally with a sigh….Manuel looked heartbroken…..
Allerdice’s speed dial on his Nokia C1-01 picked up Major Wenger immediately…..even the ringing noise sounded angry. The call was answered after 13 rings….. “What the ruddy ell yew sent me ere lad?” fumed Allerdice……
“India…..took her to the oval, thousands of them I tell you” Allerdice held the handset away from his ear and studied it as though someone had asked him the square route of 4569…..”Wot were that lad? Are yee talkin t’someone else?' “Roosevelt never wore a skirt, oh no no no no no, would have never happened”…Allerdice was totally bemused, he knew the Major to be sly and shrewd and even cryptic, but he couldn’t w**k this one out “Arm talkin bout Manuel, yoov ‘ad im there f’years an ee can’t speek a wurd ‘ot queens?”….” Marjorie yes, game girl, Achilles heel was the short ball though….shame….” Allerdice cut the call off “Sweet home Alabama, he really ‘as lost it this time”.
Allerdice looked out of the window to the players trotting out of the changing room and then saw Wally, Manuel and the Head chef deep in conversation….this was going to be a long day………
Monday 3 October……Chadwell Heath…..continuation of charcoal panic buying weather……Allerdice sat back in his chair, stretching out his arms, his string vest rising and finding its way half way up his midriff. He hadn’t slept well all weekend. The 2 points thrown away at the cells of hurst, the frankly bizarre eagle that had buzzed him and crapped all over Wally prior to kick off and the strange drum in the Holmesdale road end that seemed to induce moronic jumping up and down and brought on one of Allerdice’s migraines. He was pleased to get back to his penthouse flat that night and took solace in a bucket of ben and jerry with X Facta. Back at his desk, he had summoned Illoonga and Piq to his office immediately, telling them to bring their belongings. Illoonga had feared the worst, his attempts at disguising himself as part of the furniture had been horribly exposed against the Shots of Alder, whilst Piq seemed far too happy with himself in the development squad, “just not natrell” as Allerdice explained to Wally.
The two suspects knocked and entered, the smell of rolled tobacco and Bovril filling the air. “Reet now then, yoose too. Birra works cumin your way, noveltee for yee both are know, but let’s see if we can get some mud on them there boots eh?!”, Illoonga and Piq looked at each other, Allerdice threw the file on the table, “There yee go, 3 months, sunny Donny”….the silence was palpable….”Ye know what n’all? They’ve even gorran airport called Robin ‘Ood! – given ‘ow much ye too ‘ave robbed off this club it seems quite appropreut don’t ya think?!” Allerdice chuckled.
Illoonga fetched the envelope, sobbing, Piq put a consoling arm around him, “Safe journey lads” boomed Allerdice and opened the door, shepherding them both out.
Sully and the Fonz saw the pair, arm in arm and wailing as they approached Allerdices office “Bleedin ‘ell what see up to nah?!” sighed the Fonz, Sully shook his head “stumped if I know old chap, he seems to chew them up and spit them out”. Sully knocked, “Come” boomed the response from within, Sully’s right eye twitching, “Need ta get that looked at Dave” observed the Fonz, Sully waved him off.
Allerdice was stood in front of his mirror, shaving, “Ah, there we are, I trust you had a nice weekend?” enquired Sully, “Ergh” was Allerdice’s bluff response, “Well, anyway, could have been better Saturday but at least the spirit is there eh?!” offered Sully enthusiastically, “Yeah” flat lined Allerdice in his response……….The Fonz looked at Sully concerned, took out his comb and began resculping his quiff, lacquering the sides down with spittle. Allerdice put down the razor and gripped both sides of the sink, shaking his head slowly….
”Ah just can’t believe they didunt put ‘eer threw” he said, dejectedly….Sully moved closer, “Whose that ‘old chap?”, “Jade, luvvly girl on X Facta, bloody werlds gone mad, all image these days, best voice I’ve ‘erd since Celine, and wot do they do to ‘eh? Eh? Scrapheap that’s wot, ruddy disgracefool” fumed Allerdice. Sully stepped back again and stared at Fonz, his hands outstretched and mouthing “what the?”, Allerdice continued, “Ave got ruddy Curfew telling the ‘acks we’re Man U, are mean arm positive but he must be off ‘is bleedin rocka, drug tester’ll be sniffin rownd ‘ere earing that yew mark mar words, and to top it all off WE say were interested in Carlos Temptress? Ee’s got more backtrackin t’doo than an Italian police officer”….Allerdice rubbed his weary features with his hand towel…..
”Well look on the bright side old chap, couple of weeks break, get yourself away from it all, freshen up and we’ll be raring to go when we kick off again” offered Sully enthusiastically, “Aye, and oo’s first up when we’re back” countered Allerdice, “Why, Blackpool I believe” retorted Sully, “Where” responded Allerdice……..”Upton Pa…………oh” replied Sully………..
Friday 30 September……Chadwell Heath………11:27………Type of day global warming had promised for so long but failed to deliver……..Manuel Ammonia stepped from the fluorescent blue land rover, wearing black trousers, white jacket, black dickybow and tea towel over arm, a strange ensemble for such a fine day?
Allerdice had spotted him from a distance and bounded out to greet his emergency loan signing, “Ow doo lad, ya farnd uz OK?”…..Manuel’s vacant silence spoke volumes – “Que?”……Allerdice rolled his eyes “Ah sed did yee faarrnnnndd uuuuuuzzzz Oooowww Kaaayyyy?”………..”Que?”……..”Oh Songs of Praise gimme payshence, listen ‘ere lad, ah need yew t’be up ta speed on things rownd ‘ere”….Manuel rifled through his man bag resting under his armpit and fished out an English-Spanish conversion dictionary, in the process of doing this a copy of the football magazine 442 fell to the gravelled floor……Allerdice eyed this and his boiling anger began to rise, the veins in his temples began to swell and part his hair, “Dya think ya funnee lad iz thatit??” Allerdice boomed inches from Manuel’s face….”Eeh, farndus….. OK….farndus crispy pancakes……yes yes they OK thank you”…Manuel closed his book and put his hand out to thank Allerdice for the offer of such a meal……..Allerdice slapped it away, “Gerroutta mar way, gonna farnd owt what the ruddy ell’s goin on ‘ere coz sumwun’s laffin at me an arm not ‘avin it”.
Allerdice stomped back to his office leaving Manuel to be shepherded to the changing room by Wally…”I ‘ave the farndus crispy pancake now yeess?” quizzed Manuel of Wally….”No lad, no” replied Wally with a sigh….Manuel looked heartbroken…..
Allerdice’s speed dial on his Nokia C1-01 picked up Major Wenger immediately…..even the ringing noise sounded angry. The call was answered after 13 rings….. “What the ruddy ell yew sent me ere lad?” fumed Allerdice……
“India…..took her to the oval, thousands of them I tell you” Allerdice held the handset away from his ear and studied it as though someone had asked him the square route of 4569…..”Wot were that lad? Are yee talkin t’someone else?' “Roosevelt never wore a skirt, oh no no no no no, would have never happened”…Allerdice was totally bemused, he knew the Major to be sly and shrewd and even cryptic, but he couldn’t w**k this one out “Arm talkin bout Manuel, yoov ‘ad im there f’years an ee can’t speek a wurd ‘ot queens?”….” Marjorie yes, game girl, Achilles heel was the short ball though….shame….” Allerdice cut the call off “Sweet home Alabama, he really ‘as lost it this time”.
Allerdice looked out of the window to the players trotting out of the changing room and then saw Wally, Manuel and the Head chef deep in conversation….this was going to be a long day………
Monday 3 October……Chadwell Heath…..continuation of charcoal panic buying weather……Allerdice sat back in his chair, stretching out his arms, his string vest rising and finding its way half way up his midriff. He hadn’t slept well all weekend. The 2 points thrown away at the cells of hurst, the frankly bizarre eagle that had buzzed him and crapped all over Wally prior to kick off and the strange drum in the Holmesdale road end that seemed to induce moronic jumping up and down and brought on one of Allerdice’s migraines. He was pleased to get back to his penthouse flat that night and took solace in a bucket of ben and jerry with X Facta. Back at his desk, he had summoned Illoonga and Piq to his office immediately, telling them to bring their belongings. Illoonga had feared the worst, his attempts at disguising himself as part of the furniture had been horribly exposed against the Shots of Alder, whilst Piq seemed far too happy with himself in the development squad, “just not natrell” as Allerdice explained to Wally.
The two suspects knocked and entered, the smell of rolled tobacco and Bovril filling the air. “Reet now then, yoose too. Birra works cumin your way, noveltee for yee both are know, but let’s see if we can get some mud on them there boots eh?!”, Illoonga and Piq looked at each other, Allerdice threw the file on the table, “There yee go, 3 months, sunny Donny”….the silence was palpable….”Ye know what n’all? They’ve even gorran airport called Robin ‘Ood! – given ‘ow much ye too ‘ave robbed off this club it seems quite appropreut don’t ya think?!” Allerdice chuckled.
Illoonga fetched the envelope, sobbing, Piq put a consoling arm around him, “Safe journey lads” boomed Allerdice and opened the door, shepherding them both out.
Sully and the Fonz saw the pair, arm in arm and wailing as they approached Allerdices office “Bleedin ‘ell what see up to nah?!” sighed the Fonz, Sully shook his head “stumped if I know old chap, he seems to chew them up and spit them out”. Sully knocked, “Come” boomed the response from within, Sully’s right eye twitching, “Need ta get that looked at Dave” observed the Fonz, Sully waved him off.
Allerdice was stood in front of his mirror, shaving, “Ah, there we are, I trust you had a nice weekend?” enquired Sully, “Ergh” was Allerdice’s bluff response, “Well, anyway, could have been better Saturday but at least the spirit is there eh?!” offered Sully enthusiastically, “Yeah” flat lined Allerdice in his response……….The Fonz looked at Sully concerned, took out his comb and began resculping his quiff, lacquering the sides down with spittle. Allerdice put down the razor and gripped both sides of the sink, shaking his head slowly….
”Ah just can’t believe they didunt put ‘eer threw” he said, dejectedly….Sully moved closer, “Whose that ‘old chap?”, “Jade, luvvly girl on X Facta, bloody werlds gone mad, all image these days, best voice I’ve ‘erd since Celine, and wot do they do to ‘eh? Eh? Scrapheap that’s wot, ruddy disgracefool” fumed Allerdice. Sully stepped back again and stared at Fonz, his hands outstretched and mouthing “what the?”, Allerdice continued, “Ave got ruddy Curfew telling the ‘acks we’re Man U, are mean arm positive but he must be off ‘is bleedin rocka, drug tester’ll be sniffin rownd ‘ere earing that yew mark mar words, and to top it all off WE say were interested in Carlos Temptress? Ee’s got more backtrackin t’doo than an Italian police officer”….Allerdice rubbed his weary features with his hand towel…..
”Well look on the bright side old chap, couple of weeks break, get yourself away from it all, freshen up and we’ll be raring to go when we kick off again” offered Sully enthusiastically, “Aye, and oo’s first up when we’re back” countered Allerdice, “Why, Blackpool I believe” retorted Sully, “Where” responded Allerdice……..”Upton Pa…………oh” replied Sully………..
