Queen Karen says

UPTON PARK is like an Oscars party today.

We have movie stars, catwalk models, a world icon, dozens of millionaires and the odd billionaire.

Our icon, David Beckham, missed Robin van Persie’s replay-earning goal for Man U. Did he leave to catch an early bus?

I thought the Hammers more than matched United and Joe Cole underlined how much a club loses when they are forced to sell a favourite son. Just like Arsenal and Van Persie, really.
Sunday, January 6

ON TV, I catch up with Joe Hart having his hair shampooed as if it were during a match.

If I were him I’d wash the ad right out of my hair. I can tell him that by the time he has been called Dan Druff 1,000 times he’s really going to have an itchy scalp.

Perhaps he can take it. I hope so because the product is going to profit more than he does. Remember Diamond Lights, Hoddle and Waddle? I rest my case!
Monday, January 7

BUY early, buy smart is our philosophy for the transfer window.

Having got Joe Cole and Marouane Chamakh, we try for a defender but our bid is rejected.

I remember at Birmingham we had to stand by, horrified, as we slid to the Championship after ruling out shopping in January 2006. David Sullivan and David Gold vowed then they would never again be caught with their shorts down.
Tuesday, January 8

LIONEL MESSI may only be 25 but his fourth consecutive award of the Ballon d’Or as World Player of the Year qualifies him as Old Goldenballs.

Spanish football has such a grip on the FIFA panel that no other league is represented — not even in the world team of the year.

This is not just a slap in the face for the Premier League, it’s a school of wet kippers.

Yet when it comes to watching on the telly, it’s to the Prem that easily the most turn. Viewers love the sweeping competitiveness of games in England.
Wednesday, January 9

MICHU, at £2million, could yet be the deal of the decade.

Finding bargain players in top-level football is often as unrewarding as panning for gold.

So buying an attacking midfielder from a small club in Spain and moulding him into the scorer of 16 goals halfway through the season is an amazingly creative piece of business.

Well done to the behind-the-scenes people at Swansea for that.

Tonight, Michu’s sole shot against Chelsea, a pinpoint winner, was the kind of goal Fernando Torres used to score when he was on a streak at Liverpool. It made him a £50million player. That’s enough to turn Swansea chairman Huw Jenkins cross-eyed.
Thursday, January 10

A NEWLY single Premier League director is going out to dinner tonight with a friend of a friend of mine on what, I guess, you’d call a blind date.

He calls me in a panic at lunchtime today saying he may have to cancel as a big sty has come up on his eye and it looks dreadful and he doesn’t want to put her off.

Don’t worry, I say. Just cover it up with your wallet and all will be fine and dandy!
Friday, January 11

THE FA offer of an £18,000-a-year contract hasn’t exactly caused our women’s international players to chain themselves to Buckingham Palace gates — but they aren’t happy.

Players’ union chief Gordon Taylor takes up rolling pins on their behalf, calling the offer “embarrassing”.

Some will doubt that in a year of domestic football their matches will see as many fans as tomorrow’s two Prem games.

I have a suggestion. Taylor should dig into his union’s coffers and pay the top girls a few thousand more.