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"ON THE DOOR"
A man knocked on my door and asked for donation towards the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water...
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There was a man at the door last night asking my views on the country. I replied:
"I am a white male, heterosexual Christian, I have worked all my life to pay for this house and provide for my family, never claimed a penny in benefits."
"Oh, I am really sorry to have wasted your time sir" he said.
"Oh, why's that?" I asked.
"Your opinions won't count" he replied.
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I'm not saying my wife is ugly but a peeping tom knocked on my door last night and asked me to close the curtains!
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A Jehovas witness has just knocked on my door.
I said "come in, what would you like to talk about"?...
He said " **** knows, i've never got this far before"!!
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I got home, entered the front door, and found the wife crying, I said, "What's the matter, dear?" - I always call her 'dear', on account on her expensive tastes.
She said, "I'm homesick!"
I said, "What do you mean, homesick? But this is your home!"
She said, "I know! I'm sick of it!"
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As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy barsteward and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the rubbish out."
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Guy is hosting a fancy dress party, he opens his door to a man on all fours with a woman on his back. Other than their positions they're dressed normally.
"Hi," says the man, "what have you come as?"
"A tortoise" says the man on all fours.
"And what about her, wh's she?" asks the host.
"Oh, that's Michelle".
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality"
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A blonde decides to go into business as a painter and decorator.
She knocks on the door of a house, explains that she's just gone into business, and asks the owner if he needs anything painting.
"Well" said the owner "I always support enterprising young people like yourself, so how much would you charge to paint my porch?".
"As you're my first customer, I' do it for £50"
"Excellent says the man, you'll find al the paint in the garage"
An hour later the blonde knocks on the door again and informs the owner that she has finished.
The man was surprised at how quick she had done it, but paid her the £50.
As she was leaving she said "Oh, by the way, Its a Ferrari not a Porsche"
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A young girl says to her mum: "Mum, does god exist?"
- "Well, yes, sort of ..."
"And does he live with us in our house?"
- "No, not exactly with us"
"So ... why does dad knock the bathroom door almost every morning and say -'God, are you still in there' " ...
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An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service...
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A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, yep, they entered the main doors, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are now looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !
A man knocked on my door and asked for donation towards the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water...
---------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man at the door last night asking my views on the country. I replied:
"I am a white male, heterosexual Christian, I have worked all my life to pay for this house and provide for my family, never claimed a penny in benefits."
"Oh, I am really sorry to have wasted your time sir" he said.
"Oh, why's that?" I asked.
"Your opinions won't count" he replied.
----------------------------------------------------------
I'm not saying my wife is ugly but a peeping tom knocked on my door last night and asked me to close the curtains!
----------------------------------------------------------
A Jehovas witness has just knocked on my door.
I said "come in, what would you like to talk about"?...
He said " **** knows, i've never got this far before"!!
------------------------------------------------------------
I got home, entered the front door, and found the wife crying, I said, "What's the matter, dear?" - I always call her 'dear', on account on her expensive tastes.
She said, "I'm homesick!"
I said, "What do you mean, homesick? But this is your home!"
She said, "I know! I'm sick of it!"
------------------------------------------------------------
As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy barsteward and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the rubbish out."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy is hosting a fancy dress party, he opens his door to a man on all fours with a woman on his back. Other than their positions they're dressed normally.
"Hi," says the man, "what have you come as?"
"A tortoise" says the man on all fours.
"And what about her, wh's she?" asks the host.
"Oh, that's Michelle".
----------------------------------------------------------------
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde decides to go into business as a painter and decorator.
She knocks on the door of a house, explains that she's just gone into business, and asks the owner if he needs anything painting.
"Well" said the owner "I always support enterprising young people like yourself, so how much would you charge to paint my porch?".
"As you're my first customer, I' do it for £50"
"Excellent says the man, you'll find al the paint in the garage"
An hour later the blonde knocks on the door again and informs the owner that she has finished.
The man was surprised at how quick she had done it, but paid her the £50.
As she was leaving she said "Oh, by the way, Its a Ferrari not a Porsche"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A young girl says to her mum: "Mum, does god exist?"
- "Well, yes, sort of ..."
"And does he live with us in our house?"
- "No, not exactly with us"
"So ... why does dad knock the bathroom door almost every morning and say -'God, are you still in there' " ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, yep, they entered the main doors, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are now looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !
