Short Jokes

It was christmas eve, and a couple doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared. She phoned him on his mobile ... "Where are you?" in a calm voice.
He replied "darling, remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace,that we could not afford ,and i said one day i would get it for you"
Her eyes filled with tears ...
"Yes i remember" she said.
"Well I'm in the pub next door to that" ...



Our dog ran off couple of days go, I couldn't find him anywhere.
My wife so upset said " I must look harder"!
I got a tattoo on me neck , shaved my head.... Still couldn't find it.




Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"
"f*** off you c**t," he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.



I was at Barclays yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance ... so I pushed her over...



I met a fairy today who granted me one wish............."I want to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "Im not allowed to grant that particular wish" ..........
"Fine" I said "Well, in that case, I want to die when Orient get promoted to the premier league" ....................
"Ooooooooooooh you crafty b*****r" said the fairy ...

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ........ so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy ...


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen "what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken please"
She replied, "You're having soup you fat b*****d, I was talking to the cat!"

some good ones there

Few more

Flaslight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"