One-liners - jokes of the day!

Avalanche of short jokes coming up tonight!


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


I had a note like that once. They were so nice that they said if I paid it in 2 weeks, I only had to pay half. So that was nice!


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'


So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."


So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".


So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".


I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Stuie?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"


So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"


"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Stuie, get out of the filing cabinet.'"


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"


"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!


So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”


I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “Oh ... I give up!”


I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns

Cheers for that, read during a work conference call

Very Tim Vine or Stewart Francis like.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye, but it didn't work out..

She was seeing someone else on the side.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger and bigger!
And then it hit me ...

What do you call a man with no shins?


Toney ...

“My dog just chased some kid on a bike”
“Wow, I had no idea your dog could even ride a bike...”


Breaking news -
A cement mixer has just collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.



A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'




I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'




A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."




Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."



Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".


"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says
"What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."
"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

I was in Sydney at the Rocks last night, standing at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ar*e.

She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”

I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

She said, "I sure do."

I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing."

My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."

I said, "You pack them."

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette



What do you call a lady who plays snooker with 1/2 pints of beer balanced on each elbow and one on the head?

Beatrix Potter ...

I see the man suing Ryan air over his missing luggage has lost his case...

This blonde wanted to sell her pet Python so, she listed it on eBay.

A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's really massive."

He said, “Ah, how many feet then?"

She said - "Are you thick or what? It's a bl**dy Snake"!!..