Home
Register
Portal
Log in
CAR JOKES
Mick says to Paddy "Whats wrong Paddy, you look sick"? "I want to sell my car but no one will buy it. It's done 96,000 miles"
"Why don't you put the clock back, it'll sell then"
"Good idea says Paddy, I'll do that"
Two weeks later, Mick sees Paddy and asks him about the car. "Did you sell it mate"?
"Why should I sell a car that's only done 12,000 miles"
A policeman stopped me
the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?".
"Well," the friend replies, "you won't believe this but I ran over Joey Barton".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... but … what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?", to which his friend replies,
"Well, he tried to escape through the park”
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro - Quattro means four'.
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile', the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers.'
'You can't pull that one on me' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishman replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry' responds Paddy, Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
I left 2 Millwall tickets on my seat while I went into Tescos. I was so angry when I came back to find someone had broken into my car and left 2 more.
* An Irish hitchhiker got up early and made an early start on his journey. He wanted to miss the traffic ...
* An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...
* An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.
Mick says to Paddy "Whats wrong Paddy, you look sick"? "I want to sell my car but no one will buy it. It's done 96,000 miles"
"Why don't you put the clock back, it'll sell then"
"Good idea says Paddy, I'll do that"
Two weeks later, Mick sees Paddy and asks him about the car. "Did you sell it mate"?
"Why should I sell a car that's only done 12,000 miles"
A policeman stopped me
the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?".
"Well," the friend replies, "you won't believe this but I ran over Joey Barton".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... but … what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?", to which his friend replies,
"Well, he tried to escape through the park”
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: 'It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro - Quattro means four'.
'Quattro is just the name of the automobile', the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers.'
'You can't pull that one on me' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
The Englishman replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
'Sorry' responds Paddy, Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
I left 2 Millwall tickets on my seat while I went into Tescos. I was so angry when I came back to find someone had broken into my car and left 2 more.
* An Irish hitchhiker got up early and made an early start on his journey. He wanted to miss the traffic ...
* An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...
* An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.
